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“You can love something and still be exhausted by it.” — Glennon Doyle

(This quote found me when I needed to admit to it fundamentally but yet felt like I was fitting into said “bad stereotype” of “bad mom” for saying it aloud.)

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There are days I look at my son & feel nothing but awe. He is magic. He is loud. He is sticky. He is mine & I could not be more grateful or happier for his existence.

& then… there are days I lock the bathroom door & breathe like I am coming up from under the bath water.

Days where “gentle parenting” feels like a lie I told myself in the golden hour lighting. Days where I wonder if I am broken for not enjoying this more.

Here is the truth no one warned me about: you can love your kid more than anything in the world & still not love motherhood every single day.

It is the emotional whiplash that gets me. The switch between “I’d die for you” & “please stop talking to me.”

I did not grow up with emotional safety. I did not have a model for ‘soft’ boundaries & warm correction.

So now I am trying to build something I never received; while sleep deprived, overstimulated, & one tantrum away from unraveling.

Motherhood is not always magical. Sometimes it is mundane. Sometimes it is monstrous. But it is mine.

& that love? It is still the loudest thing in the room; even when I am quiet.

So, if you are sitting in the bathroom with your hands shaking, wondering if you are the only one who is not “grateful enough”?

• You are not.
• You are just mothering through the mess.
• & I see you.

If you are pulling out your hair, wondering why more grays are showing up.

• You are not alone.
• I see you, I feel you.

If you are just holding your breath under that bath water to soak in some silence for those 20 seconds.

• I feel you. I hear you.
• You still are not alone.

It does not mean CPS is going to show up at our door to come knocking because we just need a fucking moment to collect ourselves. We can love those hectic little succubuses wholeheartedly while just needing 20 minutes or seconds of peace & quiet to center ourselves.

• You are whole.
• You are doing everything correctly.
• You are still enough.

You do not need my validation, but it is still nice to be told occasionally that we are valued. We are important. Remember, ‘Grace costs nothing’ right? Never forget you deserve just as much. & maybe the truth is, we are not “broken.” We are just breaking patterns no one taught us to survive in the first place.

 

Xoxo ♡