“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” –Ray Romano

 

My Interpretation: Whether you are calling them “demon spawn”, “crotch goblins”, or even “succubus”, may the odds be ever in your favor. They are just ridiculously destructive, hilariously cruel (hopefully unintentional), & randomly sick (& you will be too!). Welcome to the shit show of parenting that I personally did not want to be a part of but got forced into, nonetheless.

---

Some days, my kid is the reason I’m still breathing.

Other days, he’s the reason I question how genetics even work.

This is a growing list of things Rowan has said that either cracked my heart open or made me stare into space like I was buffering.

He is my sweetheart. He is unhinged. He is mine.

---

🧨Emotional Spiral (with extra whiplash)

“I missed you all day, Mommy. I love you so, so much.”

Every time he says this after daycare, I melt & momentarily forget he once called a stranger a pussy out the window.

 

“If we open the box with [dog’s name], there will be blood everywhere.”

Thank you, Tiny Stephen King.

• In reference to our dog that was cremated. 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Rowan: “Mom, what’s that on your face?”

Me: “it’s a pimple… 👀” *puts on pimple patch* – We go to Walmart

Rowan: *SCREAMS* “MY MOM IS WEARING A PIMPLE PATCH LOOK AT IT!”

“Can you see her pimple patch? It’s right there!!” …points at the patch to fucking strangers…

 

“You smell like outside & snacks.”

Honestly? Put it on my tombstone.

 

He picks me flowers.

Actual flowers. In his sticky, chaotic little hands. & I would burn the whole world down to keep him safe.

---

🤣 Snort-Laugh or Straight-Up Feral

He rolled down the window & called a stranger a pussy.

This was months ago. I’m still recovering. I didn’t teach him that – but the comedic timing was… distressingly perfect.

• The driver apparently had it coming, but definitely not appropriate for a child.

 

He mooned his entire daycare.

I can not even soften this one. He learned it from his father. & unfortunately, he executed it flawlessly.

 

“Only I can say bad words in my brain.”

Internalized rebellion. I cannot even be mad.

 

“When I grow up, I want to be a dog. Or maybe a boss like you. But mostly a dog.”

Honestly? Relatable.

---

If you have got your own feral angel at home saying wild shit while also being the reason you cry into your hoodie – you are not alone. Add your chaos in the comments. We are building a village of emotionally tender goblins.

 

Xoxo ♡