“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver

My Interpretation: He didn’t just make me a mother. He made me worth staying for. Everything after that? Is just me trying to live up to the honor of raising him. I would do anything for that child – no fear whatsoever. He will always come first for me.

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🐾 Rowan

My son. My reason. My grounding.
He is the heartbeat of my healing. The mirror that reflects every part of me – louder, brighter, & wilder.

He saved me before I ever saved myself.
Rowan does not ask me to be perfect.
He just asks me to be present.

He is softness in motion.
Storm & sunshine in the same breath.
He is the reason I get out of bed, the reason I try again, the reason I keep unlearning everything the world taught me about love.

& when I feel like I have lost every part of myself –
I remember that I built him from scratch.
& I did that part right.

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⚡️The Pregnancy That Made Me a Legend (Or Nearly Killed Me. Both.)

Getting pregnant was the surprise twist I did not think I’d ever get.
Rowan was not a birth control failure.
He was a miracle I was not supposed to have.

Back when I was with Grady, I had a Mirena IUD.
During the removal, the provider could only find one of the strings.
The other? It was wrapped around my ovary.
Tied up like a threat nobody warned me about.

That one missing string created scar tissue.
Lots of it.
I believe that’s what started the endometriosis, though no one would confirm it.
Because let’s face it: unless you are literally on fire, they will not take a woman’s pain seriously.

The provider retired a month later.
Quietly.
Like maybe she thought I would sue her.
(If only she knew I am terrified of courtrooms unless I have got three binders and an emotional support snack.)

They told me I would not get pregnant.
That my chances were slim.
& I believed them.

Until Rowan.

& when they finally cut me open during delivery –
They found cysts.
Everywhere.
On my ovaries. Around them. Tucked in like secrets no one wanted to deal with.

So yeah – Rowan was not a mistake.
He was a medical impossibility with tiny fists and a whole lot of fight.
He showed up anyway.
Because of course he did.

It was hell.
The pregnancy was horrific – & that’s being generous.
I threw up every day. All day.
COVID lockdown. Working in a men’s prison. Retaining water like a marsh.
Vision blackouts. 100+ pounds gained.
Heartburn so bad I couldn’t drink water without pain.

Oh – & the bloat?
I had strangers asking if I was having twins.
“Are you sure there is not more than one hiding in there?”
Yes, Susan. I am sure. Please go away.

The plan was a scheduled C-section.
But a COVID spike shut that down.
Apparently, hospitals did not want to cut open high-risk pregnant women during a pandemic.
Coolcoolcool.

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💥 Labor? A Comedy of Errors.

My water breaks.
No dilation. No progress.
But Rowan? Still kicking the shit out of me like he’s got rent to pay.

FOUR. DAYS.
Four days of forced contractions, no food, & a game of “Can I pass out from rage?”
Then-finally-the epidural. Bless whoever invented that.

They check my temp.
“Oh, you’re a little warm.”
Girl, I’m boiling.
You try starving for four days while a tiny kickboxer breakdances inside you.

I’m Italian. I’m stubborn. This is not new information.

Emergency C-section time.
& Rowan? Still refusing to come out.
They had to use a vacuum for a C-section.
My DR (30+ years in medicine) said it was the first time he’d ever had to do that.

Of course it was.

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🫠 Surgery Notes, Unsolicited:

No one let me watch.
I could hear the suction. The towel-slopping. I could feel things.
But no visual access? Offended.

I watched surgeries for my job. I can handle it.
But no, they said. Let’s keep the mom in the dark while her body’s literally open.

Then the numbness started wearing off.
I ask, “Am I supposed to feel this?”
Nurse: freaks out
“No! Oh, my goodness!”
Then 15 seconds later-numb again.
Comforting.

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🧊 & Then-Lorraine

I had not even seen my own son yet.
Still in post-op, waiting, groggy, body open hours ago.
They hand me my phone.
Notifications everywhere. I’ve been tagged.

Photos.
Of Rowan.

Posted.
By Lorraine (Cade’s mother).

She was not at the hospital.
But Cade sent her photos.
So, everyone on social media saw my baby before I did. & that, my friends, is when I knew the line had been crossed.
But we will get into that mess later. Promise.

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🥰 My pup/homie/headache

Now you know a bit more about Rowan & how we got here.

He is fiercely loyal to me & vise versa.

Just last night he brought me in a weed due to it having flowers on it because we are dope like that.

He also farted on me…

‘Cause kids are pricks & no one can tell me differently.

Xoxo ♡