“The world will ask you who you are, & if you don’t know, the world will tell you.” -Carl Jung
My Interpretation: People love telling stories about us from the Midwest that just is not real. TikTok loves to paint Midwestern men like they are mythical creatures who rise before the sun & build entire barns before breakfast. But the truth is always quieter. More human. More honest. The world gets it wrong all the time – especially when the truth is not glamorous enough to trend.
THE WILD & WINDY MIDWEST LIES
A Cultural Study from the Woman Who Actually Lives Here
TikTok loves to act like Midwest men are already on their second coffee by 4:58 a.m.
Like they have been up since 3:12 milking cows, saving orphans, & fixing someone’s carburetor shirtless.
This is false information.
This is misinformation.
This is propaganda.
Because I live in the Midwest.
The actual Midwest.
The one with cornfields & Kwik Trip cult members & roads full of people going 11 under the speed limit because they “do not trust their tires.”
Let me tell you something with my full chest:
➱ Midwest blue collar men are not up at 5 a.m.
➱ They are up at 7:12 – blinking like newborn deer.
& do not get me wrong – they are good men.
Hardworking.
Capable.
Sweet in that “do you need help carrying that?” way.
But 5 a.m.?
Babe, no.
Absolutely not.
THE 5 A.M. MYTH – A TRAGEDY IN THREE ACTS
Act I: TikTok
“Midwest men wake up early to grind.”
Act II: Reality
He wakes up late, hits snooze twice, stumbles to the kitchen like he forgot how legs work, & then says something like:
“Wow. Did not expect to sleep that hard.”
Act III: Denial
He will defend himself with:
“I am usually up early.”
No, you are not, babe.
It is okay.
You do not have to lie here.
THE MIDWEST MEN I KNOW: A FIELD STUDY
This is not judgment.
I am simply reporting live from the trenches.
Specimen 1:
The Slowly Thawing Lumberjack
Wakes up at 7:12.
Needs 40 minutes of quiet before forming full sentences.
Will do anything you ask – after breakfast.
Specimen 2:
The “Early Riser” Who Is Not
Claims he is up at 5.
Actually, rolls out of bed at 6:48.
Gaslights himself daily.
Has no idea he is lying.
Specimen 3:
The Actual 5 A.M. Guy
He exists.
But he is 72.
Retired.
Walks around Walmart for fun.
Specimen 4:
The Factory Shift Dude
He IS up at 4:30.
But do not be fooled – he is sleepwalking like a ghost from a Victorian novel.
THE PROBLEM WITH TIKTOK’S MIDWEST PORTRAYAL
TikTok sells the myth because the myth is romantic.
They want:
✍︎ flannel
✍︎ a deep voice
✍︎ early morning work boots
✍︎ hands that look like they built a nation
✍︎ a man who says “come here, darlin’” like he means it
Meanwhile, real Midwest men wake up like:
“Did someone let the dog out?”
Or:
“What day is it?”
Or my personal favorite:
“Why is it so bright?”
(It is 7:28 a.m., sweetheart.)
WHAT MIDWEST MEN ACTUALLY EXCEL AT
Not early rising.
But:
✓ holding doors
✓ calling you “ma’am” in a respectful way
✓ being polite even when confused
✓ having the arm strength of a Greek god
✓ wearing Carhartt like a second skin
✓ thriving in temperatures that should kill them
✓ loving quietly
✓ loving steadily
✓ loving with their whole chest even if they cannot verbalize it
None of this requires 5 a.m.
It just requires being raised in a place where winter builds character & cornfields build personality.
THE REAL TRUTH? IT’S ACTUALLY SWEETER.
TikTok can keep their fantasy.
I will take the Midwest man who wakes up slow
but loves steady.
The one who asks
“Did you sleep okay?”
before he asks where his boots are.
Or asking where he put his keys for the 9875467th time…
The one who might be confused until 9 a.m.
but will still warm up your car
because he noticed it frosted overnight.
The one who works hard
not because it trends
but because he was raised to show up.
Not perfect.
Not mythical.
Not influencer-friendly.
But real.
& honestly?
That is better.
Xoxo ♡
Whisper to the ghosts. Yell into the void. Just don’t be an asshole.