“The truth is rarely pure & never simple.” – Oscar Wilde

My Interpretation: Stereotypes are comforting because they let us pretend people are one thing. But Midwest men are an ecosystem – layered, contradictory, chaotic, & steady all at once. You cannot summarize them with a TikTok trend. You can only observe & report.

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A Scientific Study No One Asked For But Everyone Needed

 

Since TikTok insists on portraying Midwest men like mystical creatures forged from sunrise & diesel fumes,

I feel morally obligated to present something more accurate:

 

A field guide of the actual men who exist in the Midwest.

 

Not the fantasy men.

Not the algorithm-approved men.

The real ones.

The ones who walk out of Kwik Trip smelling like gasoline & hope.

The ones who cannot read a weather map without acting like meteorologists.

 

Let us begin.

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SPECIES 1:

THE WISCONSIN LOUD ONE

 

Native Habitat: Bars, bonfires, any location with cheese within arm’s reach.

 

This man has never whispered.

Not once.

He communicates entirely in full-volume enthusiasm.

His laugh is a community event.

He tells stories with the confidence of a man who has never fact-checked anything in his life.

 

He will shovel your driveway without asking…

but also shout “WATCH THIS” before doing something medically inadvisable.

 

Communication style:

Friendly yelling.

 

Love language:

Fixing things, you did not know were broken.

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SPECIES 2:

THE MINNESOTA ASMR MAN

 

Native Habitat: Clean kitchens, calm living rooms, emotionally stable environments.

 

This man speaks at a volume that should legally require subtitles.

Everything he says sounds like he is guiding you through a meditation app.

 

He apologizes for things he did not do.

He holds doors with reverence.

He says “ope- just gonna squeeze past ya” even in his own home.

 

He is pure, gentle serotonin wearing a flannel.

 

Communication style:

Whispered emotional stability.

 

Love language:

Checking your car’s fluids without announcing it.

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SPECIES 3:

THE ILLINOIS SPEED DEMON

 

Native Habitat: Highways. Only highways.

Preferably while going 84 in a 55.

 

He moves through life like there is a timer counting down somewhere.

He drives fast, talks fast, decides fast, argues fast, text-messages-fast.

He does not possess a slow setting.

 

If he ever sits still, assume he is either sick or dead.

 

Communication style:

Rapid-fire chaos.

 

Love language:

Buying food “on the way” & refusing to let you pitch in.

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SPECIES 4:

THE IOWA MA’AM-ER

 

Native Habitat: Anywhere he can hold a door open for someone.

 

This man calls you “ma’am” even if you are 24

& he is also 24.

 

It is not patriarchal.

It is muscle memory.

 

He was raised on politeness, John Deere, & the belief that you should never let a woman carry her own case of water bottles.

 

He turns bashful when you thank him.

It is adorable.

 

Communication style:

Respectful Southern-adjacent politeness.

 

Love language:

Acts of service with flustered eye contact.

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SPECIES 5:

THE MICHIGAN MYSTERY MAN

 

Native Habitat: Unknown. Possibly Ohio. Possibly a lake. Possibly both.

 

This man is always “on his way back.”

Back from where?

No one knows.

 

His texts come from three different ZIP codes in the same week.

He is not unreliable – just geographically mysterious.

 

He will absolutely return from a gas station with a gift that makes no sense but somehow means everything.

 

Communication style:

Nomadic enthusiasm.

 

Love language:

Souvenirs & stories that sound made up.

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SPECIES 6:

THE DAKOTA SURVIVALIST

 

Native Habitat: Any climate classified as “hostile.”

 

This man will walk outside in negative 14 degrees

in a hoodie

holding a Mountain Dew

& call it “brisk.”

 

He owns multiple pairs of boots, all of which look identical.

He has a snowblower he treats like a family member.

He is unbothered by conditions that cause normal people to cry.

 

Communication style:

Apocalypse-ready understatement.

 

Love language:

Starting your car before you even find your shoes.

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WHAT DO THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON?

 

They are walking contradictions wrapped in denim & Carhartt.

Emotionally shy but physically reliable.

Polite to strangers but stubborn with their feelings.

Soft when it matters.

Steady when it counts.

Terrible at expressing themselves.

Excellent at showing up in practical ways.

 

They will fix your sink

warm your car

carry your groceries

drive you home

ask nothing in return

& pretend none of it was romantic.

 

TikTok can keep the fantasy.

 

I will take the Midwest men who are real.

Xoxo ♡