“We repeat what we don’t repair.” -Christine Langley-Obaugh

My Interpretation: Self-regulation is not instinct. It is inheritance. If you were never taught emotional safety – you grow up believing your reactions are flaws instead of symptoms. Breaking that cycle is not gentle work. It requires mourning who you had to be & building who your child deserves. Healing becomes a legacy you choose instead of one you carry.

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TEACHING SELF-REGULATION WHEN NO ONE TAUGHT ME

There are things motherhood reveals

that no one prepares you for.

⇢ The softness.

⇢ The chaos.

⇢ The tiny shoes everywhere.

⇢ The laughter that saves you.

⇢ The exhaustion that undoes you.

⇢ The way your heart learns new languages overnight.

& the way your childhood sneaks back in

through the cracks you thought you sealed.

It happens quietly

in the moments you least expect.

≫ Your child cries

& your body stiffens.

≫ Your child makes a mistake

& your chest tightens.

≫ Your child melts down

& you feel something ancient rise inside you-

something you did not choose,

something you inherited.

Because no one taught you self-regulation.

No one modeled calm.

No one sat with your feelings.

No one walked you through storms gently.

No one ever asked what you needed –

only what you could endure.

So now you must learn what you were never given

while giving it to a child who deserves the version of you

you never got to be.

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THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT PARENTING –

IT IS ABOUT REWIRING A LIFE

Growing up, emotions were landmines.

Crying was manipulation.

Fear was disobedience.

Sadness was weakness.

Anger was the only emotion allowed to exist without punishment. (Yes, I am aware that I previously covered this)

So, you learned to survive,

⤷ not to heal.

You learned to shrink,

⤷ not to self-soothe.

You learned to hide,

⤷ not to process.

You learned to handle storms alone,

⤷ not to ask for shelter.

& now

you are a parent

trying to teach your child what you had to learn in the dark.

Trying to build a foundation

you were never allowed to stand on.

Trying to become a safe place

you never got to experience.

This is not small work.

This is generational architecture.

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THE MOMENTS THAT BREAK YOU

& BUILD YOU BACK STRONGER

It is the little things.

Your kid spills something

& your body reacts like it is a crisis-

because once upon a time,

accidents meant danger

or shame

or consequences.

Your kid raises their voice

& your heart rate spikes –

because you were raised to fear noise,

not meet it with patience.

Your kid cries

& something inside you panics –

because your own tears were never welcomed,

only tolerated,

dismissed,

or weaponized.

Your brain screams:

“Shut it down.”

But your heart whispers:

“No. Not this time.”

This is where the cycle breaks.

Right here.

In the pause.

In the breath.

In the moment you choose differently

even when your nervous system is choosing the past.

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THE LONELINESS OF LEARNING –

WHAT YOUR CHILD GETS TO START WITH

No one talks about this.

The grief of realizing your child gets what you did not.

Not out of guilt –

but out of clarity.

The grief of realizing

you are building a world

you never got to live in.

A world where:

↪︎ feelings are allowed

↪︎ mistakes are human

↪︎ meltdowns are safe

↪︎ mess is normal

↪︎ comfort is instinct

↪︎ trust is the baseline

✗ not the reward.

A world where safety is assumed,

✗ not earned.

A world where softness is not a liability

but a language.

It is beautiful.

It is heartbreaking.

It is healing.

It is painful.

Because as you mother them,

you re-mother yourself.

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THE INTERNAL WAR NO ONE SEES

People see the patient mother.

The calm voice.

The gentle correction.

The deep breath.

The soft tone.

They do not see the battlefield inside your chest.

They do not see the rewiring.

They do not see the fear.

They do not see the flashbacks disguised as frustration.

They do not see the trauma arguing with your intentions.

They do not see the years of survival instincts

clashing with the mother you are determined to be.

Self-regulation is not natural for you.

But love is.

So, love wins.

Again

& again

& again.

Through shaking hands.

Through clenched jaws.

Through old wounds whispering.

Through tears you swallow quietly.

Through instinct you override with intention.

Love wins

because you choose it.

Not because you were taught it.

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THE TRUTH ABOUT BREAKING CYCLES

Breaking cycles is not pretty.

It is not gentle.

It is not aesthetic.

It is not soft lighting & healed aura energy.

It is messy.

It is humiliating at times.

It is revealing.

It is exhausting.

It requires radical honesty with yourself.

It means admitting:

➜ I was not taught this.

➜ I did not grow up with this.

➜ I do not know how to do this.

➜ I am learning on the job.

➜ I am healing as I go.

➜ I am repairing what I did not break.

➜ I am becoming what I needed.

It means letting go of the mother you wish you had

& becoming her anyway.

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THE LOVE LETTER UNDERNEATH IT ALL

At the end of the day,

self-regulation is not about being perfect.

It is about being present.

It is about choosing connection over control.

Patience over panic.

Compassion over conditioning.

Breath over reaction.

Repair over shame.

Love over fear.

Your child will grow up knowing:

✓ comfort

✓ safety

✓ emotional vocabulary

✓ healthy conflict repair

✓ that feelings do not make them a burden

✓ that tenderness is strength

✓ that regulation is possible

because you taught it

without ever being taught yourself.

You are proof

that the cycle breaks with one person brave enough to stop repeating

& start repairing.

You.

Xoxo ♡