“Normality is a paved road: it’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.” –Vincent Van Gogh

 

My Interpretation: Chaos has personality. Predictability does not. The Midwest does not offer calm or consistency – it offers character-building trauma in the form of wind, sleet, sideways snow, & weather that wakes up every day choosing violence.

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MIDWEST WEATHER NEEDS TO CALM DOWN BEFORE I CALL HR

Here is the thing about living in the Midwest:

You do not experience seasons.

You experience psychological warfare.

 

Other states get spring, summer, fall, & winter.

We get:

• Frostbite

• Pollen death

• Mud plague

• Fake summer

• Surprise winter

• Second winter

• Oops-all-ice

• Hellfire heatstroke

• The week of tornadoes

• Pumpkin spice PTSD

• & “I guess the sun just… stopped showing up?”

 

There is no logic here.

Only vibes.

Aggressive, unhinged vibes.

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THE WEATHER HERE HAS NO EMOTIONAL STABILITY

The Midwest wakes up like:

“Hmm. What personality do I want today?”

 

& somehow the answer is always:

“All of them.”

 

Morning: Beautiful.

Afternoon: Biblical.

Evening: Apocalypse.

Night: Cozy fireplace aesthetic.

Midnight: The wind sounds like it is calling your name & not in a sexy way.

 

Every day feels like God is shaking a snow globe & saying:

“Let us see what these bitches do with THIS.”

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THE WIND IS PERSONAL HERE

In other states, wind is a breeze.

 

In the Midwest, wind is a bully.

An oppressor.

A villain arc.

 

It will:

⇝ rip your door out of your hand

⇝ slap you with your own hair

⇝ take your breath away

⇝ flip your mailbox

⇝ tilt your car

⇝ violate your personal space

⇝ & then have the nerve to act innocent.

 

This wind does not gently blow.

It lunges.

 

It does not whisper.

It screams.

 

It does not caress your cheek.

It hits you like you owe it money.

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THE SNOW DOES NOT “FALL” – IT ATTACKS

Snow in the movies?

Gorgeous.

 

Snow here?

⚔︎ Violent.

⚔︎ Ferocious.

⚔︎ Sharp.

 

It does not float like delicate little flakes.

It travels horizontally at 90 mph

like it is ABSOLUTELY late for something.

 

I once watched snow move so fast it looked pixelated.

Nature should not look like bad WiFi.

 

& the roads?

Not roads.

Suggestions.

 

“Oh, you wanted traction?”

Michigan said no.

Wisconsin said no with passion.

Minnesota said no but passive-aggressively with the side eye.

Iowa said no with ma’am please get back inside so you are safe. ⇦ Might move to Iowa?

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THE TEMPERATURE CHANGES ARE A CRIME

You can wake up in:

❄︎ 27 degrees

❄︎ put on your winter coat

❄︎ your hat

❄︎ your gloves

❄︎ your boots

❄︎ your Sherpa-lined jeans

❄︎ your emotional armor

 

& by 3 p.m. the Midwest is like:

“Lol never mind it is 67.”

 

I have left my house dressed for survival

& returned dressed for overheating-induced homicide.

 

The weather here does not just change.

It gaslights.

 

It makes you question:

↪︎ your sanity

↪︎ your memory

↪︎ your thermostat

↪︎ your blood pressure

↪︎ your ability to plan anything ever again

 

This is not climate.

This is psychological warfare.

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THE MIDWEST HATES YOUR CAR

Your car WILL NOT thrive here.

It will suffer.

 

It will:

✌︎ stall

✌︎ freeze

✌︎ overheat

✌︎ slide

✌︎ scream

✌︎ judge you

✌︎ & develop seasonal depression

 

You will shovel your driveway

your sidewalk

your car

the path TO your car

the snow ON your car

& the emotional baggage OF owning a car here.

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THE TORNADO SIRENS ARE VIBES-BASED

You know you are from the Midwest when:

A tornado warning goes off & your first reaction is:

 

“Huh.”

⇢ keeps eating dinner

 

We have reached a point as a region where tornado sirens are just… notifications.

Like weather push alerts.

 

We will watch the sky turn green

hear the wind scream

see the trees fold in half

& still be like:

 

“Should we go outside & watch it?”

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THE TRUE MIDWEST EXPERIENCE IS THIS:

Driving in a blizzard

with bald tires

on one hour of sleep

holding a lukewarm coffee

listening to a true crime podcast

knowing your insurance deductible is $1,500

& somehow thinking:

 

“Yeah. This is fine.”

 

Midwest resilience is not strength.

It is delusion.

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BUT HERE IS THE REALITY BENEATH THE CHAOS

For all the complaining we do

all the trauma snowflakes we dodge

all the wind-induced personality deaths we experience

all the weird flexes of Mother Nature’s unhinged emotional swings

 

There is something weirdly comforting about it.

 

Not because it is healthy

or gentle

or sane

 

-but because it is home.

 

Midwest people survive blizzards & heartbreak with the same attitude:

Annoyed.

Inconvenienced.

But moving forward anyway.

 

The weather may be unhinged

but so are we

& honestly?

It matches our energy.

 

Xoxo ♡