“There are no wrong turns. Only unexpected paths.” -Mark Nepo

My Interpretation: Sure, Mark. But in the Midwest, every “unexpected path” is just a wrong turn with more gravel. There are no quick errands here – only quests, detours, cornfields, & emotional damage disguised as productivity.

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THE MIDWEST ERRAND

THAT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN 10 MINUTES – BUT LASTED THREE HOURS

There is a special kind of chaos in small-town errands.

A law of nature.

A cosmic joke.

 

You leave the house thinking,

“I will be quick.”

 

Which is adorable,

because that is the exact moment the universe starts sharpening its teeth.

 

Errands in the Midwest do not “go smoothly.”

They do not “wrap up fast.”

They do not “take the amount of time they should.”

 

No.

 

They become quests.

 

You are not running errands.

You are embarking on a folklore-level journey

with emotional side quests, plot twists, & characters you did not ask to interact with.

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STOP 1: THE STORE THAT SWEARS IT HAS WHAT YOU NEED

Every Midwest town has one store

that lies confidently on the internet.

 

You check online:

“In stock.”

 

You show up:

“We are out.”

“The truck did not come.”

“Shirley bought the last one.”

“We have not carried that since 2017.”

 

At this point I do not know if it is inventory error

or a generational prank they refuse to retire.

 

Either way – I am already behind schedule.

---

& JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING…

Let us talk about Midwest roads.

Because they are a personal attack.

 

Midwest roads do not guide you.

They test you.

They judge you.

They dare you to question your will to live.

 

People debate politics, religion, economics, & Culver’s (overrated).

But no one addresses the REAL issue:

 

Why do our roads look like the result of a bureaucratic dare?

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WHY ARE THERE TWELVE VERSIONS OF COUNTY A?

Every Midwestern area has:

 

County A

County AA

County AAA (why?)

County AB

County BA

County B

County BB

County BBB (again – why?)

County Z

County ZZ

County ZB

County Z7 (???)

 

NONE of these connect.

NONE of these are in alphabetical order.

NONE of these follow logic, geometry, or God.

 

You can be driving County A

& suddenly you are on County F

with no explanation

no warning

no consent.

 

This is not infrastructure.

It is chaos in Helvetica.

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STOP 2: CONSTRUCTION – A LIFELONG RELATIONSHIP

You think you know your route.

Cute.

 

Because suddenly:

Detour.

 

⬅︎ Left.

➡︎ Right.

Gravel you definitely were not supposed to be on.

A road that used to be a road but is not anymore.

A neon-vested man who looks like he regrets his career choices

& your confusion personally exhausts him.

 

Detours here feel like quests designed by trickster gods.

---

STOP 3: RUNNING INTO SOMEONE YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE PERCEIVED

This is the Midwest.

You WILL see someone you know.

 

A cousin.

A coworker.

Someone’s aunt.

The lady who bagged your groceries once in 2018.

 

Meanwhile I am out here looking like

“emotionally distressed raccoon on a caffeine crash,”

holding something embarrassing like:

✓ hemorrhoid cream

✓ 17 frozen waffles

✓ or both

 

& she still hits me with:

“Ope! Fancy seeing you!”

 

No ma’am.

This was not the vibe I intended for public view.

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STOP 4: KWIK TRIP – THE CULT I ACTIVELY AVOID

Let me be clear:

If I end up at Kwik Trip, I am not thriving.

 

Was this stop necessary?

No.

 

Did I want to go?

Also no.

 

Did I spend the whole morning routing my life around avoiding this place like it has biblical plague energy?

Absolutely.

 

Other people treat Kwik Trip like a treat.

A reward.

A sacred space.

 

I treat it like a cursed object.

 

If I am inside, it is because:

✧ it is the only bathroom for 30 miles

✧ my gas light is screaming

✧ or a small child in the backseat hit me with “I have to pee right now”

 

I do not choose Kwik Trip.

I endure it.

 

& yes – I have trust issues with their fuel.

Not in a conspiracy way – just in a

“My car runs better on literally anything else & I cannot afford preventable bullshit”

way.

 

They claim to offer ethanol-free pumps, sure –

but it is inconsistent, hard to find, & honestly?

I am not gambling my engine on a nozzle that smells like hot-dog purgatory.

 

Kwik Trip operates on Midwestern gravity –

it pulls everyone in.

 

I am just the one woman

trying to break orbit.

---

STOP 5: SIDE QUESTS THAT MULTIPLY LIKE RABBITS

It is always something.

 

↦ The bank.

↦ The pharmacy.

↦ Dropping something off.

↦ Picking something up.

↦ Returning something you forgot you bought.

↦ Running back home for the thing you left –

↦ then forgetting why you went home.

 

Errands here multiply like emotional gremlins.

One becomes three.

Three become five.

Five become “I might as well do EVERYTHING while I am out.”

 

This is how the three-hour errand happens.

Not one big disaster –

twenty tiny ones doing choreography.

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STOP 6: GOOGLE MAPS SIMPLY GIVES UP

Google Maps in the Midwest is bold.

Confident.

Lying.

 

“In 500 feet, turn left.”

 

Left WHERE, sweetheart?

Into the corn???

 

There is no sign.

No landmark.

Just corn.

More corn.

Corn with attitude.

 

Sometimes the road is a road.

Sometimes the road is gravel.

Sometimes the road is vibes.

 

Google has two modes here:

“We do not know her,”

&

“Figure it out, bitch.”

---

STOP 7: THE WHITE-KNUCKLE WINTER DRIVE

You have not known fear until you have driven:

≫ on black ice

≫ in whiteout snow

≫ with a quarter tank

≫ in a vehicle held together by trauma

≫ while someone behind you acts like they are in NASCAR

≫ & the wind is actively trying to assassinate you

 

Meanwhile the GPS is still chirping about a turn that does not fucking exist.

Oh & do not forget about the cop radar behind the 100 foot high snow pile either… ←Why I always use gps.

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STOP 8: THE MIDWEST TIME WARP

Everything here is 45 minutes away.

 

Everything.

 

The school? 45 minutes.

The grocery store? 45 minutes.

Your friend’s house? 45 minutes.

Your will to live? 45 minutes.

 

Distance is fake.

Time is fake.

Physics is optional.

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STOP 9: THE “I HAVE BEEN OUT TOO LONG” REALIZATION

There is always a moment –

usually while sitting in your car,

eating something over your lap like a gremlin –

where you realize:

 

“This errand derailed my entire day.”

 

You left the house a different person.

You return older.

Changed.

Weathered.

Like a soldier returning from battle

with snacks.

---

THE PART NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

Errands are overstimulating.

 

The noise.

The detours.

The small talk.

The unexpected stops.

The sensory chaos.

The emotional labor of holding yourself together in public.

 

It is not incompetence.

It is mental load.

Decision fatigue.

Sensory overload.

Carrying everything

while doing everything.

 

You are not dramatic.

You are simply aware.

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THE HEAD-TILT TRUTH

People tilt their heads

when you admit errands exhaust you.

 

Let them tilt.

 

Let them pretend the world is not overwhelming.

Let them imagine they glide through errands

like a movie montage.

 

Meanwhile you survived a three-hour odyssey

armed with caffeine, grit,

& a single crumb on your shirt

to prove you made it through.

 

Errand fatigue is real.

Errand burnout is real.

Errand emotional decline is real.

 

You are doing your best

in a world that never stops asking for more.

 

Xoxo ♡