“Wherever you go, there you are.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn
My Interpretation: You cannot outrun yourself. But sometimes you can discover that you were never the problem. Sometimes the environment shifts & your nervous system finally exhales in ways you did not realize it was holding.
Out west did not greet us loudly.
There were no cinematic moments.
No dramatic soundtrack.
No sweeping revelation.
It greeted us gently.
Rowan & I woke up early one morning & walked the downtown streets while the air still felt new.
It was quiet in a way that did not feel empty.
Just unhurried.
The sidewalks were clean.
The light was softer than I expected.
Even the cold felt different.
We jumped over sidewalk cracks.
Because obviously we were not about to break my back.
He took it very seriously.
≫ Full commitment.
≫ Full launch.
≫ Tiny legs. Big energy.
He would pause before each one like it required strategy.
I would pretend to almost step on a crack just to hear him gasp dramatically.
We laughed at absolutely nothing.
& many “that’s what she said” jokes with only a 30% accuracy rate.
Which is how you know it is real.
There is something wildly healing about laughing at 7 a.m. in a place that does not know your history.
No one there knew the years.
The grief.
The court dates.
The nights I have spent calculating every move.
We were just a mom & her kid jumping cracks like it was a competitive sport.
✗ No tension.
✗ No explaining.
✗ No scanning for threat.
Just movement.
We found parks.
As in multiple outdoor parks.
✗ Not snow packed.
✗ Not wind burned.
✗ Not closed because of weather.
I cannot overstate how shocking it felt to simply… play outside in winter.
Rowan ran without layers restricting him.
He climbed without icy fear beneath his boots.
He fell dramatically for effect.
Recovered instantly.
Announced himself victorious.
I sat on a bench & let the sun hit my face.
& then I noticed something that unsettled me in the best way.
✧ I was not bracing.
✧ I was not waiting for something to go wrong.
✧ I was not rehearsing conversations in my head.
✧ I was not preparing to defend a decision that had not been questioned.
My shoulders were down.
My breathing was slower.
My jaw was unclenched.
That realization almost made me emotional.
Because when bracing becomes normal, you forget what neutral feels like.
We crossed paths with strangers.
Every interaction felt soft.
Eye contact that lingered in a kind way.
Smiles that were not suspicious.
Small conversations that did not feel transactional or guarded.
It felt like being mirrored instead of measured.
Like the calm version of me existed easily there.
Rowan laughed more.
& not just polite kid laughter.
➜ Full body laughter.
➜ Throw your head back laughter.
➜ Laugh because the world feels safe enough to be ridiculous laughter.
He did not look back at me as often.
That detail mattered.
➜ He was not checking.
➜ He was just playing.
Children mirror nervous systems.
& out west, mine was steadier.
The air felt lighter.
Or maybe I did.
There is a difference between surviving somewhere & being reflected gently by it.
There are places where you shrink to fit.
& there are places where you expand without trying.
For a few days, we expanded.
We woke up without dread.
We walked without urgency.
We laughed without calculating.
This is not a declaration.
It is not an announcement.
It is data.
⤷ Softness exists.
⤷ Ease exists.
& sometimes the most disruptive thing you can experience is realizing that calm does not have to be earned.
✌︎ We jumped cracks.
✌︎ We played in winter sun.
✌︎ We were met with kindness.
& whether that softness came from the sky or from something inside me finally settling, I do not know yet.
But I know how it felt.
It felt like home.
Not because of a house.
Because of how my chest felt when I breathed.
Xoxo ♡
Whisper to the ghosts. Yell into the void. Just don’t be an asshole.