---

“Consent isn’t just about saying yes. It’s about being heard when you say no.” – Chanel Miller

My interpretation: You can say it out loud. You can say it with silence. You can say it with your tears, your body, your shaking hands, or the way your voice cracks in the dark. If they do not listen – it is not miscommunication. It is a choice.

---

There is no bruising. No police report. No broken skin.
But something broke anyway.

& I said no.
I said it with my voice.
I said it with the stiff way my body pulled away.

I said it with the way my voice cracked – before, during, & after.
The tears – I did in fact hide because I already learned how to.

& he still did it anyway.

---

This isn’t the kind of assault people whisper about behind their hands.
It is the kind they justify.
The kind they call complicated.
The kind they tell you is just miscommunication.

But there was no misunderstanding.
There was just him – hearing “no” & choosing to keep going.
Because in his mind, my body was not mine.
It was his, by default.
By proximity.
By history.
By routine.

& I let him.
Or maybe more accurately: I froze.
Because that is what became the patten of my behavior… freezing (without the temperature actually changing) – when I know he will keep going no matter what I say.

---

I should not have to argue that “no” is enough.
I should not have to defend the silence that followed –
the way I stared at the ceiling.
The way I curled into the edge of the bed like it could save me.
The way I needed a hot bath to get my body to unclench – but could not bear the thought of looking at myself in the mirror.

---

If this happened to someone I loved,
I would never question if it “counted.”
I would not need to see bruises or hear screams.
I would believe them.
But when it is me?
I start to doubt it.
Because he did not look like a monster.
He looked like someone I loved once.
He looked like someone who said he loved me back.

---

But love does not…

• Move your underwear to the side when you say you are tired.
• Keep going when your body pulls away.
• Ignore your voice cracking or your breath hitching.
• Call it affection when you are in pain.
• Pretend not to notice when you are crying into the pillow.

Love does not hold your hips down. Love does not silence your “no”.
Love does not keep going while you go still.

Even if I said yes, however many times before –
I did not that night.
And that should have been enough.

For a long time, I blamed myself.
Because I did not scream. Because I did not fight. Because I froze.
But ignoring verbal and nonverbal cues?
That is not confusion.
That is disregard.
That is harm.
That is abuse.

And that is not on me.

I said no. He did it anyway.
& that is enough.
Enough to name it.
Enough to write this.
Enough to say I did not deserve it –
Even if I stayed.
Even if I hid it.
Even if I needed time to believe myself.

One “no” should have been enough.
It was not…
But I am.

Xoxo ♡

This is part One of Four.