“I want to lay in a beanbag and eat snacks and cry over TV, and I don’t understand why that’s not a viable adult lifestyle.” –Samantha Irby, Meaty

 

My interpretation: Samantha Irby gets it. Sometimes “adulting” looks less like taxes & kale, & more like naming your sourdough starter after your ex so you can passive-aggressively punch gluten instead of people. Welcome to emotional regulation – carb edition.

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Look.

Some people name their sourdough starters “Bubbles” or “Doughy McDoughface.” 

I named mine Alpha-Hole.

Because sometimes healing looks like keeping something alive that is a little rude, needs constant attention, & makes you question your life choices – but also smells kind of comforting.

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Alpha-Hole was born in a moment when I needed control.

Not the unhealthy, anxiety spiral kind (well maybe a little bit).

The kind where you decide what you feed,

how often, & when to throw something in the oven

& call it nourishment.

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He is temperamental, thrives on a high-maintenance feeding schedule, & throws a fit if ignored.

So, basically: same.

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There is something weirdly healing about watching something bubble and grow because of you. Because you fed it.

Because you showed up.

Because you tried again –

even after you neglected it for three days straight

…& it smelled like regret.

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Sourdough does not care if your kitchens clean.

It does not care if you cried into the flour.

It just wants to be fed.

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But also? Naming him was funny.

& I needed something to make me laugh on the days I felt like a failure of a mother, a partner, a person.

So, I gave my bubbling jar of flour & water a spicy little name that said:

I am still here. I still have fight. & I will turn this emotional fermentation into bread, bitch.

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There is something kind of poetic about naming your survival project after the very thing that has drained you for years – then turning it into something warm.

Not for him.

For me.

… & being able to get away with ‘domestic sourdough abuse’

• Because punching dough is a lot more legal than punching a human.

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& yes, I still have another starter named Aelin Firecrumbs – because I hold multitudes.

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& he taught me something

Not everything I nurture will rise when I expect it to. But it still matters that I try.

This blog was born the same way – messily, with too much flour & not enough instructions.
& like Alpha-Hole, it is going to take time.

So yes…

I named my bread starter after the fictional men who break hearts

& then save worlds.
Because sometimes the only way to feel powerful again–

is to name your chaos, feed it, & bake it into something you can tear apart with your hands.

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If you have ever named your grief something ridiculous just to survive the week – you belong here.

 

Xoxo ♡