“Sometimes the people who share your blood are the ones who make you bleed the quietest.” –Nikita Gill

My Interpretation: He never hit me too much. But he did hit me. & that is enough. He screamed a few good times. Good enough that I still walk on eggshells – just to keep the air still. Just to keep him calm. He never held me. Never told me I was safe. & silence can bruise just as deep as fists.

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🧍‍♂️ The Blueprint That Built My Armor

My dad believed in grit.
He believed in “getting over it.”
He believed in raising me like a soldier –
even when all I needed was a place to fall apart.

He paid the bills.
Got the car repaired.
Let me bleed in silence.

He gave me a roof.
& taught me how to duck.

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🧊 The Cold That Taught Me to Stay Small

When my mom died,
I did not need a to-do list.
I needed arms.

But he gave me a schedule.
A task.
A reminder not to cry too loud
because grief made him uncomfortable.

He did not say “I’m here.”
He said,
“Your mom was not perfect.”

He meant it like a truth.
But it felt like erasure.

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📦 The Discipline That Was Really Distance

He stayed in the house
but not in the pain.

He did not leave –
but I do not call that parenting.

I call it survival logistics.

He assumed because I was strong,
I did not need care.
Did not need comfort.
Did not need softness.

So, I raised myself
in the shadow of a man
who only showed up
if I made myself smaller first.

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👁 The Parts of Me He Allows

I still want him to see me.
Not the edited version.
Not the calm one.
Not the one who makes his life easier.

But that is all he ever sees.
The parts that keep their voice low.
That smile through flinches.
That never ask for more
than what is already being tolerated.

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📓 The Wildcard That Still Shapes the Room

He thinks presence means parenting.
But presence is not peace.
& survival is not the same as being raised.

He taught me to stay alert.
To read tone like scripture.
To trade softness for silence.

He was never a monster.
But he was never a sanctuary.

& sometimes that is harder to name.

xoxo ♡