“There is no competition in grief- but some people still try to win.” – Megan Devine

My Interpretation: She did not want to carry it with me. She wanted to carry it without me. & I had to grieve Rowe twice – once for losing him, & once for losing the only other person who truly knew him.

---

🖤 The Mother of the Boy I Loved

She could have held me like a daughter.
But instead,
she clutched her grief tighter than she ever held me.

I expected her to pull me in.
To hold me close.
To look at me & see the one he chose.

Because no one else knew Rowe the way we did.
No one else knew the way he laughed.
The way he dreamed.
The way he loved.

But instead of reaching for me,
she recoiled.

---

🗣 The Words I’ll Never Forget

The day Rowe died –
she sobbed into my shoulder
& asked why I was not pregnant.
Said she wished I was.

I was fifteen.

Already a survivor of sexual assault.
Already carrying too much.
& she looked at me like I could have been the backup plan.

That memory lives in me like frostbite –
quiet & permanent.

---

📱 The Replay She Demanded

They saw his phone.
They knew I was the last person he talked to.
& they wanted a full account.
Every word.

Like my final conversation with Rowe
was evidence in a case
they were building against me.

It was not about sharing grief.
It was about controlling the story.
Rewriting the timeline.
Making sure I did not hold more than they were willing to give.

---

🧷 The Daughter-in-Law I Was Never Allowed to Be

As I got older –
things got better on the surface.

My mom could not stop me from seeing her anymore.
& Marlene lightened up.

But the damage was already done.

She let Cassidy pit us against each other constantly.
Used me as the scapegoat
for fights I was not even present for.
I lived hours away.
But somehow, it was always my fault.

She made promises to Diana.
Corrected everything I did with Rowan.
Bought presents.
Tried to play “perfect GiGi”
while calling me a “drill sergeant”.

---

🐾 The Parenting She Pretended to Understand

She did not like how I parented.
Did not like that Rowan slept through the night by 2 months.
Did not like that he was respectful.
Did not like that I flicked his hand gently
& called it training, like I did with my dogs.

But the truth?
My dogs aren’t assholes.
& neither is my kid. (for the most part)

I joked about it.
She did not laugh.
But results speak louder than criticism.
& she hated that.

---

📓 The Wildcard Who Tried to Rewrite My Grief

Marlene did not shut me out all at once.
She did it slowly.
With glances.
With whispers.
With the unspoken rule
that I was allowed to miss him –
but only her way.

She did not see me as part of his story.
Even though he put me in it.
Even though I was the one who knew him.

She was not cruel.
She was not malicious.

But she was gatekeeping a grave
like grief could only fit in her arms.

xoxo ♡