“You do not just wake up and become the butterfly. Growth is a process.” –Rupi Kaur

 

My Interpretation: There are things I excused before I even knew they needed excusing. Because my radar was not broken; it was reprogrammed. It did not miss the red flags. It called them home.

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Series 1 – Post 3

It is easy to blame myself.

To say I should have known better.

To ask why I did not leave sooner,

spot the signs,

stop the bleeding.

 

But the truth?

I was not ignoring the danger.

I was taught not to see it.

---

I was trained not to flinch.

Not to run.

Not to question behavior that came wrapped in apologies,

excuses,

& “that is just how he is.”

 

I did not miss the warning signs.

I interpreted them differently.

 

Controlling?

Must mean he cares.

Dismissive?

Maybe he just had a long day.

Stonewalling?

He needs space.

Constant criticism?

Maybe if I just improve,

things will go back to how they used to be.

 

But they never do.

Because they were never good to begin with.

---

The men who raised me – directly or not –

taught me how to tolerate harm dressed up as normal.

 

The way they talked over me.

The way they left the room mid-sentence.

The way silence became a weapon sharper than words.

 

So when I found someone who did the same,

it did not feel scary.

It felt like home.

---

That is the part no one talks about.

Familiarity feels like safety –

even when it is just a loop of slow destruction.

 

I do not say this to pity myself.

I say it because I finally stopped apologizing

for being slow to leave.

 

You do not blame a child for touching fire
when they were told it would not burn.
So do not blame a woman for calling it love
when all she has ever known
is burnt fingers
& someone smiling while she blistered.

---

My radar was not broken.

It was tampered with.

It was taught to second-guess.

To stay quiet.

To confuse control for protection
& silence for peace.

 

It was never mine to begin with.

---

But I am building a new one.

 

Now?
I trust the way my chest tightens
when someone’s kindness has teeth.

 

I do not need a courtroom of evidence
to justify walking away.

 

I do not chase red flags.
I do not romanticize chaos.
I do not call it mystery when it is just detachment.

 

I no longer confuse comfort with compatibility.
& I refuse to bleed for closure.

 

I see the red flags now.
& more importantly?

 

I do not chase them anymore.

 

Xoxo ♡