“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” – Joshua Graham

 

My Interpretation: She was surrounded by chaos. But she never went out. She burned anyway.

---

Series 2 – Part 1: Letters from The Inside

You Did Not Deserve to Be Unprotected

Hey you,

 

I wish I could write this from the future you believed in.

The one where everything feels fair

& safe

& good.

 

But I am not there yet.

I am still crawling out of some of the holes they threw us into.

 

So, I am writing this from the middle.

From the mess.

 

But I promise you this:

I am not leaving you behind.

---

You did not deserve to flinch at the sound of a door closing.

You did not deserve to feel like a burden for having feelings.

You did not deserve the backhanded jokes,

the silent treatments,

the apologies with strings attached.

 

You were a kid.

A smart, soft, too-wise-too-soon kid

trying to be good enough for people

who could not even show up for themselves.

---

I wish someone would have told you this sooner:

 

It was not your job to earn love.

It was not your job to keep the peace.

It was not your job to explain why your stomach always hurt
when they smiled like nothing happened.

 

That was not overthinking.
That was not being dramatic.
That was survival.

 

& you were damn good at surviving.

---

I know you still think it is your fault.

That if you had said it –

louder,

sooner,

nicer –  

they might have changed. treated you better.

 

But you could have screamed

& they still would have turned the volume down

on your pain.

 

Because it was never about you.

It was about their inability to

see anything beyond themselves.

---

You should not have had to make yourself small.

You should not have had to guess

who you were allowed to be that day.

 

You should not have been the emotional shock absorber

for everyone else’s chaos.

 

You needed protection.

You got performance.

You needed comfort.

You got criticism.

You needed someone to say,

“I see you.”

 

But they kept saying,

“You are fine.”

You were not fine.

---

But you survived.

Even when they made you feel crazy.

Even when the people you trusted most –

left you cleaning up the shards of their damage.

 

You kept showing up.

You kept loving.

You kept hoping

that someday someone would finally see all of you

& stay.

 

I am still working on that last part.

 

But I swear to you –

no one is allowed to abandon you anymore.

Not even me.

---

& listen:

Do not even dare stop dressing like you are walking straight out of a prep school dream

or a 90s teen movie montage.

 

Keep the knee-high socks.

Keep the Clueless skirts.

Keep the perfectly obnoxious color-coordinated manicures.

 

That is your rebellion.

That is your magic.

 

They will tell you it is too much.

Impractical.

Attention-seeking.

Childish.

 

Smile sweetly.

& keep your nose up like it is bleeding.

 

Because that style? That confidence? That edge?

 

It is not a phase.

It is a signature.

It is survival.

---

You are not too much.

You are not to blame.

You are not hard to love.

 

You are allowed to be soft and sharp.

 

You are mine.

&& I will not abandon you again.

 

-Me

Xoxo ♡