“If you’re not careful, you’ll bleed for someone who wouldn’t even scratch for you.” –Alfredo Flores

 

My Interpretation: I gave you everything – time, trust, vulnerability. You gave me empty chairs & late excuses. I was bleeding. You did not even show up.

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Series 2 – Post 5: Letters From The Inside

I Was Still Worth Showing Up For

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Hey there,

 

Or should I say:

Hello from the many lobbies I sat in, waiting on a man who could not be bothered to send an email.

 

Let me just start here:

 

You were supposed to be the safe one.

The steady one.

The one who showed up.

Literally and emotionally.

 

But you did not.

Not once. Not really.

---

You no showed me four times.

Tardy at least six.

& the two times you actually warned me?

Those came within 10 minutes of the appointment-

after I had already driven 45 minutes

& sat in your damn parking lot for 15.

 

But I kept coming back.

I kept hoping the next time would be different.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt-

(& I have already written a whole damn post about how that kills people like me).

---

You asked me to trust you.

So, I tried.

 

I wrote to you-pages.

Because writing is how I process.

How I survive.

 

& you said you had read them.

 

But you did not.

 

Because if you had,

you would not have asked me the same questions over and over.

You would not have referred to Cade as “hubby.”

You would not have looked at me with that fake warm smile

& told me I “came first”

while canceling on me to give a speech for someone more important.

 

You really said that.

---

& just to be clear-

I never got that grace in return.

 

If I canceled, it had to be 24 hours in advance

or I would be charged.

 

You canceled within the hour.

 

& on the day, I was putting Koby to sleep?

You acted like I should be grateful

you were “willing to fit me in.”

---

He was my soul dog.

My tether.

 

& you made me feel like I had to justify my grief.

Like I had to earn the right to fall apart.

---

This was not just about you being late.

 

It was about what that lateness meant.

 

It told me:

You were supposed to be different.

You were not supposed to flinch at my truths.

You were not supposed to forget what I said.

You were not supposed to make me feel like a burden

for needing help.

---

& yet-

even with all that-

I still showed up.

 

I still did the work.

I still tried.

 

Because I knew I was worth healing.

Even if you did not.

---

So here is what I want you to know:

 

I was still worth showing up for.

 

Even on the days I could not stop crying.

Even when my words were messy.

Even when I did not know how to sit still.

Even when I was not “easy” to help.

 

I was worth the time.

The respect.

The fucking calendar slot.

---

I will not carry shame for your absence.

 

You were the one

who missed the opportunity

to witness someone resilient,

honest,

& trying like hell to survive.

 

That is on you.

---

I hope the speeches were worth it.

 

– Former Client

Still Healing.

Without You.

 

xoxo ♡