“You do not always have to be strong. Sometimes you just need to be held while you fall apart.”-R.H. Sin

 

My Interpretation: Strength is not silence. It is not stuffing it down. It is not smiling through it or laughing it off. It is carrying the unbearable weight of what no one ever helped you put down & finally saying: This shit is heavy. & I am tired.

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Just Because I Carried It Well – Does Not Mean It Was Not Heavy

Series 5: Standalone Punches – Post 10

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I carried it in silence.

I carried it with mascara on.

I carried it with polite smiles at drop-off,

& emails that said, “No worries at all!”

while my body was still bleeding from miscarriage

& my inbox was filling with “just checking in” texts

I did not have the energy to answer.

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I carried it:

• While cooking dinner with shaking hands

• While sweeping up dog hair with a lump in my throat

• While parenting like I was not grieving

• While working like I was not crumbling

• While loving people who kept asking me to prove my worth

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& people called me strong.

Because I did not scream.

Because I did not shatter in public.

Because I made it look easy.

Because I made it look survivable.

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But here is what they do not tell you:

When you carry it well, they forget it is even there.

They stop offering help.

They start expecting you to do it all.

& they get uncomfortable when you finally say:

“I am not okay.”

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I buried a lot.

 

Years of trauma under “I am fine.”

Years of exhaustion under productivity.

Years of resentment under forgiveness.

Years of disappointment under effort.

 

Why?

 

Because I thought strength meant:

 

✓ Staying

✓ Enduring

✓ Fixing

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But real strength?

 

It is saying, “No more.”

It is unpacking what was never yours to carry.

 

It is deciding that love should never come at the cost of being seen.

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I am still unraveling it-

⇥ The way I believed caretaking was the only way to keep love

⇥ The way I minimized my pain to make others comfortable

⇥ The way I feared disappointing people more than I feared losing myself

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I am still learning that:

 

☒ I do not have to earn rest

☒ Crying is not weakness

☒ Needing help does not make me less

☒ Someone should have protected me…

 

& now, that someone gets to be me.

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So, if you see me laying it down now?

 

Do not call it weakness.

Do not call it quitting.

Call it what it is:

 

✌︎ Healing.

✌︎ Weight redistribution.

✌︎ Freedom.

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Because I carried it well-

but goddamn, it was heavy.

& I deserve to be light now.

 

Xoxo ♡