“Sometimes we disappear not because we want to be gone – but because we’ve been made to believe we’re only lovable when we’re invisible.”  -Nikita Gill

 

My Interpretation: I did not fade out because I was tired of being known. I disappeared because being fully seen became dangerous. Every time I showed up in full – loud, soft, honest, messy; I got punished for it. So, I vanished. Piece by piece. Until all that was left was the performing version of me. & no one stopped me. No one said, “You do not seem like you anymore.” So, I kept vanishing, until even I could not find myself. But not anymore. I am done being invisible just to feel safe. The real me is coming back, louder than before.

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How I Disappeared in Front of Everyone I Loved

Series 6: When Survival Was Mistaken for Control – Part Two

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There Was No Funeral

No dramatic shift.
No gasp. 
No “Where did she go?”

I did not leave.
I did not move away.
I did not slam the door.

I just… disappeared.
Little by little.
Until the version of me I used to recognize was gone.
& no one noticed she was missing.

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The Disappearance

It did not happen all at once.
It was erosion, not escape.

I stopped offering opinions.
I stopped asking for help.
I stopped getting excited — unless I had permission to be excited.

I muted myself.
Smiled more.
Nodded more.
Felt less.

& when I did feel?
I made sure I felt it quietly.

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What Disappeared First

˃ My laughter. Not the polite kind - the belly kind. The chaotic, snort-laugh kind I used to be known for.

˃ My mess. The kind that said, “a real person lives here.” I stopped. Because mess got me punished.

˃ My music. The kind that made me sing too loud in the car. He did not like it. I did not even notice it fading - until the silence.

˃ My softness. The parts that said, “this matters.” I buried them under compliance & performance.

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What It Looked Like On The Outside

To the world?
I probably looked fine.
High functioning. Responsible. Busy.

To my friends?
I probably looked tired.
Like a mom deep in the thick of it.
Like someone who had grown up.

But I had not grown up.
I was shrinking.

Because when your life becomes a performance,
you learn to hit your marks,
say your lines,
nail the scene -

Even when you are breaking backstage.

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Who I Was Not Anymore

Here is what no one tells you about long-term coercive relationships:

You do not lose yourself all at once.
You lose yourself in layers.

& by the time it is obvious -
The only things left are the obvious things.

➱ The sparkle goes first.
➱ Then the voice.
➱ Then the opinions.
➱ Then the self-trust.
➱ Then the wanting.

Until you are a ghost.
Haunting your own life.
Smiling in all the right places,
Screaming in a language no one else seems to understand.

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Am I Allowed To Be Mad?

I am mad.
I am sad.
I am confused.

Because I did vanish -
& no one saw me go.

They called it:
✘ Maturity
✘ Settling down
✘ Love
✘ Normal

But it was none of those.
It was a disappearance.

& now I am left holding the pieces -
Wondering if I am even allowed to be mad at the people 
who watched me shrink
& did not ask why.

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The Guilt Spiral

I get mad.
Then I feel guilty for getting mad.

I blame them.
Then I blame myself.
Then I hate that there is blame at all.

But this grief?
This heartbreak?
It does not need a villain.

It just needs to be named.

I did not want control.
I wanted safety.

I did not want to disappear.
I just wanted to exist -
without being punished for it.

& if no one saw me vanish?
That does not mean I was not gone.

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Closing Reflection

I am not the version of myself who stayed silent.
I am not the girl who only felt safe when invisible.
I am not the woman who needed control -

I am the woman who survived a life that made control feel like oxygen.

& I am reappearing now.
In ink.
In rage.
In laughter.
In feral love.
In softness I no longer apologize for.

If you have vanished too -
I see you.
& I want you back.

Xoxo ♡