“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” -Maya Angelou
My Interpretation: Patterns do not need to be explained. They repeat themselves clearly – through actions, through absence, through what is not done – just as much as what is. At some point, it stops being confusion & starts becoming confirmation. Believing people is not about judgment. It is about self-respect.
I took my birthday off social media this year.
✗ No countdown.
✗ No notifications.
✗ No little Facebook reminder doing the emotional labor for people.
Just silence.
& if I am being honest –
it was a test.
⤷ Not a calculated one.
⤷ Not something I sat down & mapped out like some villain origin story.
But somewhere, quietly, under the surface –
I think I wanted to see who would remember
without being told to.
Who would think of me.
Less than ten people did.
Sabrina.
Cade (cool cool) & his family.
My dad & brother.
Whitney.
A couple randoms.
Rowan’s actual godmother.
That is it.
& the wild part?
None of these people are new.
The “newest” one has been around for almost ten years.
Wren forgot.
& then lied about it.
& listen – two things can be true at the same time.
She gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received the weekend before.
➜ Handwritten index cards for bad days.
➜ A knotted friendship bracelet.
➜ Candles inspired by my favorite characters.
➜ A letter.
The kind of effort you can feel in your chest.
The kind of gift that says,
“I see you.”
& then…
the lie.
Ivy forgot too.
But she owned it.
& weirdly? That felt better.
Because honesty, even when it is disappointing,
does not make you question your sanity.
Lark forgot.
Did not remember until I wished her a happy birthday two weeks later.
Which is almost poetic in the worst way.
& this is exactly why I stepped away from social media.
Because I needed to know –
Am I thought about when there is not a reminder?
Or am I just… convenient to remember
when an app tells you to?
Here is the part that is not new:
My birthday has always lived in the shadow of something else.
⤷ Easter.
⤷ Spring break.
⤷ Other people’s plans.
Growing up, it was always a trade.
⤷ Holiday or birthday.
⤷ Easter basket or presents.
⤷ Shared cakes.
Always marble cake too –
which I hate, by the way.
Like even the cake was never fully mine.
So, you grow up like that…
& you learn to shrink it.
➜ To not expect too much.
➜ To act like it does not matter.
While quietly thinking –
maybe this year will be different.
& here is the kicker –
I do not treat other people that way.
✧ I remember.
✧ I show up.
✧ I go all in.
I celebrate people like it might be their last time being here.
Because I became
what I needed.
This year had love in it.
It did.
I took Rowan to see Mario in 3D.
My dad surprised me with an ice cream cake.
It was not empty.
But it also was not… full.
Someone even realized they got the date wrong.
Said they would just say “happy birthday early.”
Then never said it at all.
Not that day.
Not the next.
Just… gone.
& something in me shifted.
Not loud.
Not dramatic.
Just… done.
Because I am tired.
Tired of overextending.
Tired of giving 100% & getting fragments back.
Tired of pretending I do not notice patterns
I have spent a lifetime learning how to read.
⇨ I know when someone is pulling away.
⇨ I know when something is off.
⇨ I know by the way someone texts,
⤷ the way they pause,
⤷ the way their voice changes.
That is not insecurity.
That is pattern recognition built from experience.
& I see it clearly now.
I have been overextending
for people who underdelivered.
Giving 100%
& calling it connection
when it was really just me
carrying both sides.
& now I have my answer.
& I am done gaslighting myself out of it.
That ends here.
This does not mean I am unworthy.
It means I have been offering myself
to people
who do not meet me there.
So yeah.
Maybe I did test something this year.
But it was never my worth.
It was my environment.
So, no –
My birthday is not cursed.
It just keeps showing me the truth
before I want to accept it.
& this year?
I did.
Next year is not about hoping it will be different.
It is about being different
with who gets access to me
in the first place.
Because I do not need reminders to prove I matter.
I need people who do not need one.
& I am starting to understand
what happens next
when they do not.
xoxo ♡
Whisper to the ghosts. Yell into the void. Just don’t be an asshole.