“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” -Stephanie Perkins

My Interpretation: I think people misunderstand intensity when it is paired with self-awareness. Because from the outside, preparation can look excessive. Research can look obsessive. Passion can look like “too much.” But I do not think there is anything wrong with caring deeply enough to fully understand something before diving into it. I just happen to be someone who processes uncertainty by learning everything I possibly can about it first. That is not superiority. That is survival mixed with curiosity. & maybe there is something beautiful about people who love things enough to study them deeply instead of consuming them carelessly. Maybe the world needs more people willing to care that much.

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Apparently, normal people buy plants without creating six categorized inventories, researching pruning schedules at midnight, & building what can only be described as a botanical FBI database beforehand.

Weird behavior, honestly. Could not be me. 👀

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Recently, I have been told that I become obsessive when I dive into something new.
✗ Not passionate.
✗ Not curious.
✗ Not invested.

Obsessive.

& maybe, from the outside, it does look a little intense.

I do not just pick up hobbies casually.

I descend into them like a Victorian woman developing tuberculosis near a candlelit window. 🕯️

Dramatically.

Thoroughly.

With tabs open.

⤷ I research.
⤷ I make notes.
⤷ I learn the standardized “rules,” then test my own methods afterward.
⤷ I organize.
⤷ I inventory.
⤷ I prepare.

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Planting has been the newest victim of my personality.

I currently have lists titled:

➜ Things to Know: Flowers Edition

➜ Things to Know: Fruit Edition

➜ Plants: Home Edition

➜ Plants: Camper Edition

➜ Plants: I Would Like to Own

➜ Seed Inventory: Perennials & Annuals

➜ Seed Inventory: Heirlooms

➜ Plants That Need: Food

➜ Plants That Need: Support

➜ Plants That Need: Pruning

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& yes, plants are individually listed by page because apparently, I believe every flower deserves its own character arc.

Am I plotting out the entire life story of these plants? Maybe.

But here is the thing people misunderstand:

I am not competitive in the way people assume.

I do not look at someone else succeeding & feel bitterness crawl up my throat. I am usually the loudest cheerleader in the room while privately feeling like I am failing myself.

I want people to win.

I want people to have beautiful things.

I will hand over every tip, shortcut, lesson, & resource I have if it helps someone else succeed.

Phrased another way for emphasis:

I do not resent other people succeeding. I resent that I only feel worthy when I succeed.

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But I am hard on myself.

Because if I am going to invest time, energy, money, & pieces of myself into something, I want to do it well.

Not because I need to be superior – but because somewhere along the line, being unprepared stopped feeling safe.

That is the part people do not see.

What others view as obsession is often just how my nervous system prepares for uncertainty.

I learned early that chaos hurts less when you can anticipate it.

So, I became someone who studies things deeply.

Someone who prepares.

Someone who tries to understand every angle before stepping into the unknown barefoot & blindfolded.

That behavior gets labeled a lot of things:
≫ Too much.
≫ Intense.
≫ Obsessive.
≫ Perfectionistic.

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But rarely do people stop long enough to ask why.

Because truthfully, I do not think this comes from arrogance.

I do not think I am better than anyone else because I made an inventory spreadsheet for blueberries like they are entering military service.

I think it comes from survival.

I think some people become hyper-prepared because unpredictability once cost them something important.

Phrased another way for emphasis:

The lists are not random chaos spirals, they are structured systems.

That is not someone blacking out into obsession.

That is someone creating order & mastery because order lowers anxiety.

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& maybe that is trauma.
Maybe it is neurodivergence.
Maybe it is both.

But it is also just me.

A person who loves deeply enough to learn things thoroughly.

A person who turns curiosity into systems.

A person who prepares because life taught her to.

A person trying to transform chaos into gardens.

& honestly?

If caring deeply about things is my greatest flaw, I think I can live with that.

Xoxo ♡